Many people aren't born with good listening skills. Even those who are great listeners sometimes engage in behaviors that make them appear to not be paying attention. The following tips will help you learn how to be an active listener as well as look like one:
1. Pay
Attention
Give the
speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that
non-verbal communication also "speaks" loudly.
- Look
at the speaker directly.
- Put
aside distracting thoughts.
- Don't
mentally prepare a rebuttal!
- Avoid
being distracted by environmental factors. For example, side
conversations.
- "Listen"
to the speaker's body language .
2. Show
That You're Listening
Use your
own body language and gestures to convey your attention.
- Nod
occasionally.
- Smile
and use other facial expressions.
- Note
your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
- Encourage
the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.
3.
Provide Feedback
Our
personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear.
As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require
you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.
- Reflect
what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is," and
"Sounds like you are saying," are great ways to reflect back.
- Ask
questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you
say." "Is this what you mean?"
- Summarize
the speaker's comments periodically.
In
today’s high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world, communication is more
important then ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really
listening to one another.
Genuine listening has become a rare gift—the gift of
time. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding,
resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At work, effective listening means
fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop resourceful,
self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds
friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.
STEPS TO EFFECTIVE LISTENING
Step 1:
Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.
Talking
to someone while they scan the room, study a computer screen, or gaze out the
window is like trying to hit a moving target. How much of the person’s divided
attention you are actually getting? Fifty percent? Five percent? If the person
were your child you might demand, “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” but
that’s not the sort of thing we say to a lover, friend or colleague.
In most
Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic ingredient of effective
communication. When we talk, we look each other in the eye. That doesn’t mean
that you can’t carry on a conversation from across the room, or from another
room, but if the conversation continues for any length of time, you (or the
other person) will get up and move. The desire for better communication pulls
you together.
Do your
conversational partners the courtesy of turning to face them. Put aside papers,
books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them, even if they don’t look
at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other emotions, along with
cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people under some
circumstances. Excuse the other guy, but stay focused yourself.
Step
2: Be attentive, but relaxed.
Now that
you’ve made eye contact, relax. You don’t have to stare fixedly at the other
person. You can look away now and then and carry on like a normal person. The
important thing is to be attentive. The dictionary says that to “attend”
another person means to:
- be
present
- give
attention
- apply
or direct yourself
- pay
attention
- remain
ready to serve
Mentally
screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try
not to focus on the speaker’s accent or speech mannerisms to the point where
they become distractions. Finally, don’t be distracted by your own thoughts,
feelings, or biases.
Step
3: Keep an open mind.
Listen
without judging the other person or mentally criticizing the things she tells
you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel alarmed, but don’t say to
yourself, “Well, that was a stupid move.” As soon as you indulge in judgmental
bemusements, you’ve compromised your effectiveness as a listener.
Listen
without jumping to conclusions. Remember that the speaker is using language to
represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You don’t know what those
thoughts and feelings are and the only way you’ll find out is by listening.
Don’t be
a sentence-grabber. Occasionally my partner can’t slow his mental pace enough
to listen effectively, so he tries to speed up mine by interrupting and
finishing my sentences. This usually lands him way off base, because he is
following his own train of thought and doesn’t learn where my thoughts are
headed. After a couple of rounds of this, I usually ask, “Do you want to have
this conversation by yourself, or do you want to hear what I have to say?” I
wouldn’t do that with everyone, but it works with him.
Step
4: Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying.
Allow
your mind to create a mental model of the information being communicated.
Whether a literal picture, or an arrangement of abstract concepts, your brain
will do the necessary work if you stay focused, with senses fully alert. When
listening for long stretches, concentrate on, and remember, key words and
phrases.
When it’s
your turn to listen, don’t spend the time planning what to say next. You can’t
rehearse and listen at the same time. Think only about what the other person is
saying.
Finally,
concentrate on what is being said, even if it bores you. If your thoughts start
to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.
Step
5: Don’t interrupt and don’t impose your “solutions.”
Children
used to be taught that it’s rude to interrupt. I’m not sure that message is
getting across anymore. Certainly the opposite is being modeled on the majority
of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive, in-your-face
behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.
Interrupting
sends a variety of messages. It says:
- “I’m
more important than you are.”
- “What
I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.”
- “I don’t
really care what you think.”
- “I
don’t have time for your opinion.”
- “This
isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.”
BARRIERS
TO LISTENING
Following
the tips should help you become a better listener but you should be aware of
barriers that might get in the way in some situations. Examples are:
- your
own biases or prejudices;
- inability
to understand the speaker because of a foreign accent;
- inability
to hear because of background noise;
- worry,
fear, or anger; and
- a
short attention span.
If you
are faced with any of these roadblocks, you should try your best to overcome
it. For example, if you are having trouble understanding a speaker because of a
heavy accent, you can ask him or her to speak more slowly. If background noise
is a problem, ask to move to a quieter place. It will take much more effort to
conquer your own biases or prejudices but being aware of them is a good place
to start.
Listening
Starts Early
If you
have children you know what it's like to feel like you're talking to a wall.
Kids have an uncanny ability to appear to be listening to you while actually
paying no attention at all. While this is something that may pass with age it
is important to help children develop good listening skills early. They will do
better in school and you will keep your sanity. As the SCANS report points out,
good listening skills will prepare children to eventually succeed in the workforce.
Here are some things you can do:
- When
you tell your child to do something, ask him to repeat your instructions.
- Teach
your child to maintain eye contact when talking to or
listening to someone.
- Read
out loud to your child and then engage her in a conversation about what
you have read.
- Engage
your child in age-appropriate activities that promote good listening
skills.
CONCLUSION
- Maintain
Eye Contact: When you are looking someone in the eye, you
have no choice but to pay attention. And there will be no question about
whether you are.
- Don't
Interrupt the Speaker: Save your questions and comments until the
speaker finishes talking and you are able to digest his or her words.
- Sit
Still: Fidgeting
makes you look bored.
- Nod
Your Head: This
indicates to the speaker that you are taking in the information he or she
is conveying.
- Be
Attentive to Non-Verbal Cues: Paying attention to what the speaker doesn't
say is as important as being attentive to his or her words. Look for
non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and posture to get the
full gist of what information the speaker is conveying.
- Lean
Toward the Speaker: You will appear to be, and actually will be,
engaged.
- Repeat
Instructions and Ask Appropriate Questions: Once the speaker has
finished talking,
repeat his or her instructions to confirm that you
understand them. This is also a good time to ask questions if you have
any.